Take that, Self

you can be as mean as you'd like to your self. we jam those words together so that 'yourself' is less possessive sounding than it actually is. "where's my self? has anyone seen my self? i hate myself!" we don't really know how to describe other people's selfs ...or selves. "they are by themselves." if a self was an actual squatty little caricature of you, and it tagged along with you wherever you went, it might be easier for people to describe them. and it would be easier to understand the irrational hate people have for their selfs. "Where did those guys go?" "oh, they went off by their selves." and then you would see those guys over in a stand of trees sitting around with these squatty, furrow-browed representations of themselves. they would be with their selves." how stupid does 'themselves' sound? it's real backwoodsy. "do those cans belong to you?" "no those are them cans." but them selves is somehow acceptable? complete rubbish. no one cares about the selves. people are brutal to them. when someone tries to kill their self (themself ...terrible), there is never a trial. if you harm another person - you cut into their body, or shoot them, or attempt to gas them out or poison them - there will be a trial. but your self has a body, and when you do those same things to it, there is never a trail. "your honor, the defendant knowingly fed their self several handfuls of pills. knowing full well it couldn't survive something like that. isn't that true, mr. butler?" "well ...yeah, but it was my self. i can do what i want with it." and then you pan over to this poor, chubby little self with a bandage around its head and real sad eyes. "ladies and gentlemen of the jury, just have a look at this sweet, innocent self. does it deserve to be attacked so viciously? the prosecution wishes to convict this citizen of attempted murder, of an adorable little self." and prisons would be even more packed if you could be punished for being mean to yourself.