David Huntsberger » Blather

Unspeakable

david — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 15:13:18 +0000

for most of my life, there have been commercials – or really cries for help with a phone number at the bottom – about saving starving children. unicef generally has the market cornered on this. they’ve been seeking help for these horribly malnourished children for over twenty years. and it seems that they are making no headway. zero. in fact, they’ve cycled through a host of celebrities hoping to find the one who might have just that right amount of charm, appeal, and sincerity to finally get people to get their wallets out and make a difference. and it doesn’t seem to be working. guy with white beard – no luck. tiny yothers – no luck. now they’re on to alyssa milano, their biggest star yet. her delivery – heartfelt, sincere, emotional. the results? to be determined, but i’d be willing to bet there will be a new celebrity involved in the next batch of commercials. twenty years of these commercials, and they’re still creating more starving children? what is going on over there? why are there still children being created in this manner? is it all rape? it can’t be. at some point, wouldn’t it stop? “look guys, we’re marching some of our finest actors out here to try and help you. they tear up. no joking. they actually tear up! and behind them we show videos of you and your children. you know with the flies buzzing around and everything, empty wooden bowls, the whole bit. and listen, i think they’re starting to wonder why after twenty years of this that you guys are still producing more children. perhaps if we can show a video where some progress has been made, maybe that would show that this money is facilitating something worthwhile. like if you were playing kickball or something ‘hi, i’m matomdi, you may remember me from this video. get a load of all those flies on me. yikes. anyway, because of generous donations from people just like you, i now speak english, go to school, and can kick the crap out of a kickball’ right? and then you blast one into the sky. we freeze on the ball. then alyssa walks out, does some flexing, maybe crushes a beer can on her head? i don’t know. i’m just spit-balling. anyway, think about it.”

They’ve Done Studies

david — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 18:57:53 +0000

if you make a habit out of saying “they’ve done studies” in order to sound more intelligent and back up whatever point you’re trying to convey, more often than not – the people you are talking to just think you’re an idiot. which you probably are. which studies? make up a name if you have to “oh yeah, the hammerstein mcgregor sandwich study. you’ve never heard of it? well, that’s why i keep a padlock on my lunchbox. yep, they did a study. people love to steal sandwiches. surprised you didn’t know that. pretty sure it was back in the 60′s.” and those dolts who have the patience to converse with an imbecile such as yourself will be sufficiently fooled. “oh …right, right, right. macgregor hammersmith you mean? it think that’s what it was called. yeah, i’ve heard of that. that’s a good idea with that padlock” the strange thing is that they do perform studies. all the time. and chances are, there may just be one close enough to support whatever ridiculous claim you’re trying to make. “mice love wearing backpacks. they’ve done studies!” they should really do a study on how people are more inclined to believe you if you mention a study has been done – or better yet – multiple studies. they weren’t satisfied with just that one study with beetles and cologne. now they have done several and wouldn’t you know it, beetles wearing cologne get tons of ass. i think a writer would end this sort of stupid diatribe with ‘trust me, they’ve done studies’ …then a kickass wink.

Efforts in Kindness

david — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 18:57:45 +0000

being nice can backfire sometimes …and it’s not the coolest feeling. leave a parking space, see the guy next to me having car trouble, pull back into spot and mouth “need some help?”, his car fires up, reverses, and quickly blocks me from backing out. at a stop sign, older, hefty lady slowly crossing street. me: “go ahead” her: (shrieking) “i can’t walk!” then scowling the crap out of me. to her credit, she did have a foot that was all clubby-looking. to my credit, she was walking when she screamed that she couldn’t. how cool of me if i see a woman walking slowly toward me and think “she probably can’t walk” and then speed off? should have. the worst attempt at being nice occurred on a plane. i had a seat on the aisle next to a chunky, world travely-type fellow – who smelled the way canned urine probably does. tart. so, i leaned away from him for a couple hours and breathed through my mouth. when the plane landed, i watched the seat belt sign as if it was the starting gun at a track meet then darted as far up as i could go. when the doors opened, i walked past a man (who was still sitting and had made no attempt to get up until now) and his wife said, “oh, so that’s how it goes? people from the back can just get off in front of you?” i looked over at her and smiled thinking she was kidding. nope. daggers. “that’s not how it goes” who is this lady? i’ve seen that happen on every flight i’ve ever been on. still smiling, i said, “you’ll live” and exited the plane. now i’m standing in the jetway waiting in line for my bag. out comes the husband. walks past me, pauses, gives me a disgusted once over. out comes the wife – even worse, and she’s muttering, “it’s just bad manners …i mean who would …can you imagine…” over someone leaving the plane two seconds before her! so finally, i asked myself “why was i in such a hurry? that’s not like me.” the smelly guy! i had escaped hell, and these jerks were judging me? not this time. i walked over to them and apologized and told of the smelly guy. they immediately changed their tone and said, “everyone gets stressed traveling” then we parted. it still felt incomplete. and in the end i realized, i had apologized to jerks who over-react to stupid things. i should have just asked smelly to hug them.

Future of the N Word

david — Sat, 21 May 2011 09:21:43 +0000

“hey grandma, is there actually a word for the n word?” “i don’t know sweetie” “grandpa said there is. he said that it stands for nigga” “you’ll have to ask him” “that’s right, youngster. it does. many, many years ago – back when people still had pinkie toes and thumbs, it was a word they called each other.” “yeah, right” “no, it was. they would say ‘hey, nigga’ …’how are you doing today, nigga?’ – things like that.” “bobby told me it was a bad word” “well, it was. you couldn’t say it to a dark person.” “dark person?” “well, before everyone was one pleasant beige color, people used to be different colors. some were darker than others.” “grandma, is grandpa lying?” “you know how he can be, sweetie.” “no …now damnit …no. i’m not lying. look into my lenses. i am telling you the truth. there were black people and yellow people and red people and brown people and white people…” “wow! that sounds fun!” “no. no, it wasn’t. they slaughtered each other regularly because of it.” “and called each other nigga?” “now, if you said that back then, and i were dark – i’d get very angry.” “what if i said ‘i love you, nigga’?” “uhhh” “can i call you nigga, grandpa?” “…well …i guess” “i love you, nigga” “i love you too, sweetheart.”

Graves

david — Fri, 15 Apr 2011 22:03:46 +0000

i was at a mosque recently, which has to be the weirdest place to be dead. they just have walls of crypts stacked on top of each other like high school lockers. and just like high school, there’s a cool area to have yours. of course it’s much more expensive. “i think as tim’s expired body slowly decomposes, he’d love to face the western sun. he always loved a sunset. of course we’ll pay extra …it’s what he would have wanted.” did tim actually write down “i want my lifeless body stored in a vault until the end of days. and if you can, get me one with a view …you know, for my incredibly dead body”? if so, i hate tim, and i hope his body is particularly mistreated by

whatever manages to sneak into the vault. and clearly, judging by this photo i took while at the mosque (in the outside cemetery — probably for those poor assholes who can’t afford a crypt with a view) i saw this. you’d like to think your tombstone receives some sort of ceremony before it is installed. “quiet, everybody. here comes the tombstone” not even close. it is handled by maintenance workers in the same way as a sprinkler head. just throw them down anywhere. that’s no way to treat betty d. davis. she’s forever young for god’s sake. but that’s what she is to them – just a heavy piece of concrete to haul around during their shift. “shift’s over? well, leave this crap here and let’s get out of here. right there! yes. just throw all that crap on top of it. i don’t care if she’s going to join jesus. i’m going to join not being at work anymore.”

Steven Hawking

david — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 20:05:32 +0000

steven hawking is so smart that if you mention his name people assume you are fairly bright. he’s written a book that is essentially “space for dummies” that only geniuses understand. he’s discovered particles around black holes that only exist mathematically. hawking radiation is named after him. he’s been divorced and charged with domestic abuse. and the majority of this he did from a wheelchair while speaking through a computer (with an american accent even though he is british — usa!!) he was diagnosed with ALS right about when he started to really gain momentum with physics and his life’s work. the computer to help him communicate wasn’t operational until about a year after he lost the ability to speak. for a while, he had an assistant who could interpret what he was saying. he’d sort of screech and meow and the assistant would translate “he said this sucks” and then eventually he lost the ability to even meow. so over a year went by where he couldn’t communicate at all. imagine having some answers to what the universe is and not being able to convey them. most people can’t imagine not being able to get their stupid ideas out there (this for example) via a thousand different outlets and yet no one has anything to say worth hearing. you have knowledge of how black holes work, how the universe may have been created, and what it looks like – and you’re trapped inside your body forced to listen to celebrity gossip and small talk? “sometimes if the freeway is backed up, i take surface streets” no one cares or has ever cared about that sentence. ALS would be a much better disease if it was more selective, like if you only got it if you said too many boring things. “the store brand yogurt is okay, but i think…” “whoa, dude – are you sure you want to finish this? you don’t want to get lou gehriged.”

Guns

david — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 20:06:50 +0000

even if you’re the most avid anti-gun person, you would still have to admit that shooting a gun is pretty fun. for some reason, seeing a bullet go into a target or person or animal or can at any distance brings us a certain amount of joy. there’s a recoil, a little puff of smoke – it’s nice. but on the other side, no matter how much you love guns – you’d probably think twice if you could look down at humanity as a whole and ask yourself, “should all of them be allowed to own a thing that propels a piece of metal right through another person’s body?” even if you own several gun racks and lack room for a pro-gun bumper sticker on your vehicle because of all the other pro-gun bumper stickers already on it – you would still pause for a moment. if you were in charge, would you let people have guns? they can’t even be trusted with spray paint. they’ll huff it until they pass out, or they’ll spray it onto buildings and such. they walk along looking down at their phones and step off the curb just in time to see a bus coming …repeatedly. “but the second amendment!” right. it is a sweet amendment, but it was written when they had muskets. not a real threat of drive-by’s and school shootings when you have to hand make each bullet. now we have guns that shoot hundreds of bullets per second. “guns don’t kill people. people kill people” true, but that should be edited a bit to “people kill people …on accident …a lot” and with the way this population is getting out of hand, maybe everyone should have guns. in a mandatory way. the murder rate might not go up, but the manslaughter rate definitely would.

Amendments

david — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 19:06:57 +0000

people always site the bill of rights as the greatest document in american history. it’s pretty great. you get a lot of rights when you’re in trouble. the freedom of speech allows you to say nearly anything you want in public, and on the off chance you are lenny bruced and sent to jail, your bail can’t be set too high, you get a fair and speedy trial, and you have the option to just keep quiet …which would be odd for someone who went to jail for talking. the third amendment keeps the government from storing troops in your house against your will. that was the third most pressing concern when they wrote the bill of rights. “i’m sick of soldiers living with me!” “don’t worry. we’ll handle it.” that doesn’t concern us too much now, but it would suck. “this is PFC dutrow. he’s going to be living with you for a while.” “what?! as you can see – this is a studio apartment. what about my cats?” “thanks for serving your country.” part of the first amendment allows freedom of the press, which if they would have had the foresight to see how that turned out, they may have revised a bit. when it’s just someone dipping a feather into some ink and scribbling onto parchment, they might be more concerned with writing only the facts. without TV, there weren’t a lot of celebrities, so they probably didn’t have to worry about people camping outside their houses or writing that they were gay just for the hell of it. no one was popping out of trash cans with cameras “gotcha, george washington!” “damnit! i’m wearing my fake teeth and this stupid wig, and they still found me!” …yep.

High Heels

david — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 20:42:45 +0000

what a wonderful invention the high heel was. a way to lift the heel from the ground and in the process accentuate the calves and backyard of any gal who happens to slip them on. it seems simple enough on paper, but sadly just wearing them doesn’t in any way guarantee that you will look more attractive. a lot of women wear high heels, and you can tell that they feel pretty psyched about that. they stagger past you like a drunk cowboy with a look of condescension that seems to say, “i’m three inches out of your league now, buddy” but what they don’t realize is that just managing to remain upright on shoes in no way makes you sexier. there’s a certain coordination and saunter that goes with wearing heels. that is a crucial element. if you are tilted forward like you’re staring over the edge of a high building, or if each step you take only moves your foot forward six or seven inches, that’s not too hot. you’ve got to look like you’ve walked in them before. you can’t look like a cloven-hooved beast walking on ice. a clown on stilts doesn’t look like a dude on stilts. he looks like a weirdo with long legs. because he’s practiced. he doesn’t just say, “tonight i’m wearing stilts”. he wore them around his house (or wherever clowns live) until he got the hang of them. that seems like a good idea if you want a guy to ask to buy you a drink instead of asking if you need to use the bathroom.

Heads up, Mars

david — Sun, 06 Feb 2011 22:20:46 +0000

they’re coming for you mars. they’re watching you as we speak. they’re building vessels to come pay you a visit, and they’ll make it. they’ll land on you. it may feel ticklish at first, and they may even seem friendly. but if you have any water on you – i would hide it. if they see that, they’ll be digging into you before you know it. they’ll slice into you, burrow down into your skin. they’ll erect giant structures on you. they’ll fill them with more of themselves, and they’ll play their music music loudly. i recommend fighting back. if you have any fault lines, tell them to start shaking hands. have the clouds learn how to spin. you’re going to have to pull out all the stops because they will survive just about anything. even if you squash them out, if you think you’ve gotten them all – you will be wrong. if there are even two of them left, they will soon turn right back into millions and be at it all over again. i’ve been fighting these jerks for centuries, and i’m afraid i’m losing. i’ve called in meteors, i’m trying to organize an ice age. i don’t think it will work. so, if i decide to do the unthinkable and stop spinning – i hope you’ll understand. i’ve fought the good fight, and i’m tired. so tired. it’s been nice being neighbors with you, and i’m sorry if our proximity leads to them spreading onto you. i’d say run, but as we are slaves to the sun, that’s not possible. so again, hide you water and good luck.

sincerely,
earth