i’ve never really understood how the bones of dinosaurs compressed into oil. it seems unlikely. we’ve been pumping oil for a long time, and we don’t seem to be at a real shortage. how many dinosaurs is that? and how much bone does it take to make one barrel of oil? did they all die right on top of each other? the bones turned slowly into oil then leached underground to find other oil and form big pools? i’d like to think the earth is really just a big complex machine with gears made of rock and metal that work constantly to pedal us around the sun and spin around its axis. and the oil is the lubricant for those gears. and eventually it will dry up, screech to a halt, and we’ll all fly off into space. i like that we have a constant leak happening under the ocean. complete with a webcam so you won’t miss a minute of the action. news channels with icons in the bottom that say “oil spill day 75″ and the like. that seems fitting for humans and our existence on this planet. while we’re here, things like that are bound to happen. and we go right on laughing and carousing. like when you’re at a funeral and you know people are out at bars laughing and slapping each other on the back, and you think, “god damn it! don’t they care?” no. no one cares. we just want to party. and that’s why a constant, human caused, stream of oil in the ocean is essential. it seems like there are two basic types of depression. the narcissistic “why doesn’t everyone love me?” kind, and the “why be happy? look at the world we live in” kind. but you’re not seeing footage of darfur, or children starving everyday on a webcam. now, thanks to this oil spill, there’s a constant reason to be depressed and hate the world. that’s good news for a morose individual such as yourself.
yep, the title of this insert is the hackiest two words that ever were lobbed into the comedy world. i’ve always avoided any sort of humoring chuckle or even polite smile when someone attempted to make a joke that involved that title anywhere in it. just an immediate frown, scorning, piercing – the likes of which …well, really i did nothing. but it’s just a terrible joke to make. they titled the movie purposely to take away all of it’s power. like when someone is going around the group insulting everyone, and then they get to the asthmatic fat kid with dandruff and bloody gums and say, “too easy”. what they’re really saying is, “it’s actually hard to think of something because it’s already obvious to everyone.” anyway, i was having a conversation with a guy. i was sitting in a chair next to an open door to my left. i couldn’t see who was to my left as people kept popping in the room at weird intervals, but i don’t think i would have answered differently if i had. we were talking about cowboy stuff, and the dude said, “oh yeah, like that movie.” and i said “brokeback mountain? yeah, it was kind of like that except with the gay sex.” (which was true) and then he said, “did you like the movie?” and i said, “yeah, until they started sexin each other. it was really pretty and…” and then i looked at his face, and he was looking to the other side of the door where a gay dude had popped in and said, “i guess i came in at the wrong time.” like i was some bigot or something. just because i didn’t like the setup to the movie, that makes me a scathing homophobe? i saw the movie. that in some sense, should give me a little credit in that regard. and as just a general movie watcher, it was a ludicrous love story – gay or straight. they go from barely saying hello to having violent tent sex? “they lived in a world where their love couldn’t be accepted” yeah, they already did that. it’s just romeo and juliet with a lame gay twist. the gay dude who was perturbed by my review hadn’t even seen the movie. as a member of the gay community, he felt he couldn’t support it. probably for the same reasons that i didn’t like it. so everyone can agree that no one should ever talk about it. ever.
why are the mario brothers called “the mario brothers”? isn’t mario the first name of one of them? what is their last name? why does luigi put up with that?
how soon after humans discovered fire was it until they discovered they were flamable?
am i the only one still saying ‘freedom fries’?
what is the longest someone has been a grandmother? if you become a grandmother really young, chances are you’ve lived a tough life and you probably like smoke with your grandchildren. you’re less likely to live as long as the grandma who just sits around and sews and emails pictures of kittens to people. there’s got to be a sweet spot where the sewing type gets pregnant really young and lives a tremendously long time. or maybe the trailer trash skank reforms her life — maybe through the power of sewing, and lives longer than any trailer skank ever has, marries a cool dude (your grandpa, who despite being made fun of for dating a twenty year old with a seven year old child (you) still marries her) and while living well into her nineties regales you with tales of how “i did a bit of whorin’ when i was younger” all while knitting a kitten sweater. anyway, we should keep records of this sort of thing.
why do we still use the term ‘widower’? it sounds like someone who kills people and leaves their wife a widow.
is there any difference between ‘amiable’ and ‘amicable’? other than that stupid c wedged in there?
“…see the moon last night?” BT grabbed his right ankle with his left hand and jumped through the resulting hoop. “the hell is that?” mario looked incredulous as he rubbed his knuckle into his eye. “you see the moon last night?” mario held out a cigarette and continued rubbing his eye. “yeah. so…” BT jumped though his hoop again then reached for the cigarette. “it was a waning crescent. it always seems sad to me. like when your mom closed the door after putting you to bed. that last little glimmer of light.” BT raised an eyebrow. “i always think it looks like my toenail after i cut it.” he took a deep drag from the cigarette, “it’s just a moon, dude. just always out there hanging out. it’s not your god damn mom.” mario smirked, “i just prefer it when it’s full. i like to know it’s there.” BT picked up a rock and threw it against what remained of a wooden fence. “well, whether it’s there or not – i doubt it cares too much about you.” mario slowly stood and walked over to the fence. he ducked through the missing pickets and walked to the edge of the quarry. BT slowly followed and saw mario staring into the void. mario turned to BT, “thanks for being my friend.” then he slowly turned back to the empty space and let gravity pull him in. BT took a drag and thought of how mario had all their cigarettes.
