for most of my life, there have been commercials – or really cries for help with a phone number at the bottom – about saving starving children. unicef generally has the market cornered on this. they’ve been seeking help for these horribly malnourished children for over twenty years. and it seems that they are making no headway. zero. in fact, they’ve cycled through a host of celebrities hoping to find the one who might have just that right amount of charm, appeal, and sincerity to finally get people to get their wallets out and make a difference. and it doesn’t seem to be working. guy with white beard – no luck. tiny yothers – no luck. now they’re on to alyssa milano, their biggest star yet. her delivery – heartfelt, sincere, emotional. the results? to be determined, but i’d be willing to bet there will be a new celebrity involved in the next batch of commercials. twenty years of these commercials, and they’re still creating more starving children? what is going on over there? why are there still children being created in this manner? is it all rape? it can’t be. at some point, wouldn’t it stop? “look guys, we’re marching some of our finest actors out here to try and help you. they tear up. no joking. they actually tear up! and behind them we show videos of you and your children. you know with the flies buzzing around and everything, empty wooden bowls, the whole bit. and listen, i think they’re starting to wonder why after twenty years of this that you guys are still producing more children. perhaps if we can show a video where some progress has been made, maybe that would show that this money is facilitating something worthwhile. like if you were playing kickball or something ‘hi, i’m matomdi, you may remember me from this video. get a load of all those flies on me. yikes. anyway, because of generous donations from people just like you, i now speak english, go to school, and can kick the crap out of a kickball’ right? and then you blast one into the sky. we freeze on the ball. then alyssa walks out, does some flexing, maybe crushes a beer can on her head? i don’t know. i’m just spit-balling. anyway, think about it.”